Why You Get Addicted to Certain People: The Psychology of Six Human Needs
Every relationship you’ve ever had — the ones you kept, the ones you lost, the ones you can’t forget — can be explained with six simple psychological needs. Not personality types, not attachment styles, not love languages.
The Six Human Needs framework comes from the work of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes, rooted in humanistic psychology, Adler’s individual psychology, and modern strategic family therapy (Madanes, 1981; Robbins & Madanes, 2006).
This model explains not only why we love — but why we stay, why we leave, and why we sometimes get dangerously attached.
📌 The Six Needs (Origin and Academic Roots)
Although Robbins popularized the structure during his Unleash the Power Within seminars (Robbins, 2001), the model draws heavily from:
- Abraham Maslow — Hierarchy of needs (1943)
- Alfred Adler — Individual psychology & striving for significance (1930)
- Cloe Madanes — Strategic family therapy & human motivation (1981)
- Viktor Frankl — Meaning-making & growth (1946)
Robbins and Madanes reframed these ideas into a behavior-predictive model that explains not only survival, but emotional addiction.
1. Certainty
The need for stability, predictability, comfort.
We seek this through routines, relationships, labels, habits, and even illusions of control.
When a partner provides certainty — emotionally or financially — the bond strengthens.
2. Variety
The need for novelty, excitement, change.
This is why couples seek adventures, playfulness, or emotional stimulation.
Without variety, relationships stagnate.
3. Significance
The need to feel unique, valued, “chosen.”
Adler argued that humans fundamentally strive for a sense of importance in a social world.
When someone makes you feel irreplaceable, the attachment becomes powerful.
4. Love & Connection
Humans are wired for bonding.
Physical closeness, shared vulnerability, mirrored emotion — these create deep relational “imprints.”
Spiritual Needs
5. Growth
A relationship where both people evolve becomes psychologically self-sustaining.
Partners who grow together create meaning together (Frankl, 1946).
6. Contribution
When you feel you add something to someone’s life — comfort, support, knowledge, healing — the bond becomes purposeful.
🔑 The “Three Needs Rule”: How Addiction to a Person Forms
Robbins teaches a powerful insight:
If someone consistently meets three of your needs, you form a bond.
If they meet four, you become emotionally addicted.
If they meet five or more, they can shape your identity.
This explains:
- why toxic partners feel “impossible to leave”
- why certain friendships last decades
- why people stay loyal to leaders, mentors — or even brands
- why breakups hurt even when logic says “run”
Relationships become powerful not because someone is “right,” but because they hit your internal psychological circuitry.
🧠 How This Shows Up in Real Life
✨ Healthy Bond Example
- Certainty → trust, stability
- Variety → shared adventures
- Love/Connection → emotional safety
- Growth → inspiring each other
The relationship feels alive, expansive, meaningful.
⚠ Toxic Bond Example
- Certainty → routine, predictability
- Variety → emotional highs and lows
- Significance → “you’re the only one who understands me”
- Connection → trauma bonding
Even suffering feels familiar — and therefore, “safe.”
📚 Related Self Evidence Posts
🎯 Final Insight
Understand these six needs, and you understand:
- why you choose the people you choose
- why you stay longer than you should
- why some bonds feel cosmic
- and why love is never “just emotional” — it’s biochemical, behavioral, and deeply human
Know the needs — control the bond.
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🧩 Block 0118: [The Six Human Needs Theory: Why We Bond, Stay, and Become Addicted to Certain People]
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